The Ballad of Elias Zapple

(To be recited to the tune of The Ballad of John and Yoko)

Yes I arose out of a tulip,
Back in an old town called Camberwell.
It was in an old granny’s garden,
And it wasn’t a place you should dwell.

You know it really isn’t easy,
When you live up a tree.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.

It was way back in 1870,
On the day Charles Dickens died.
His spirit soon left
And chose me instead,
I swear that I haven’t lied.

You know it really isn’t easy,
When you live up a tree.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.

Back from the Camberwell garden,
I authored many a play.
The critics soon said, ‘you have a crazy head,
None of these plays make any sense.’

You know it really isn’t easy,
When you live up a tree.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.

Writing all you can for a children’s book,
Training an army of slugs in the back.
Yesterday the neighbour said,
‘Why do you keep hitting my head?’
I said, ‘I have a lot of cabbages
And I was told to – shrink!’

Rapidly published my first Duke & Michel,
Came under zero attacks.
The critics said, ‘it’s the best thing we’ve read,
When can we read the second act?’

You know it really isn’t easy,
When you live up a tree.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.

Ended up writing a book of crazy rhymes,
Didn’t quite know what else to do.
The critics said, ‘we wish you the best,
We were hit with cabbages was it you?’

You know it really isn’t easy,
When you live up a tree.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.
The way things are heading,
Someone’s going to plagiarise me.