Mr Snazzy has been on at me to let him become a beard. I'm just not so sure whether it's a good idea. Everybody associates Zapple with a moustache, Mr Snazzy the moustache. And Mr Snazzy is famed throughout the lands as being a moustache not a beard. Yet every morning as I greet Mr Snazzy he does go on and on demanding me to stop castrating him and let him fulfil his destiny. Just like every angel wants its wings, Mr Snazzy wants more hair. Hmm, sounds an awful like expansion. WHere will it stop? Will he desire even more facial space until I look like a gorilla? No, I shall have to stop him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he'll always be a moustache and nothing more.
Inside this book you will find,
Funny nonsense from my mind.
Zany rhymes and slimy tales,
Creepy crawlies leaving bloody trails.
And a clever slug that shocks,
Tales about Cinders and Goldilocks.
Cabbages, slugs and Elias Zapple,
What rhymes with Zapple apart from apple?
Fun and craziness! (You'll have a good time),
There's even some that do not rhyme!
Read the book, there's so much more,
Or my slugs and I will go to war!
Many admirers of my moustache often ask me how they too can grow and maintain a moustache as fine as my Mr Snazzy. I usually tell them they can't then push them away then threaten the admirer with a cabbage. However, perhaps I, Elias Zapple, have been too harsh and maybe others should attempt to grow a moustache 10% as good as mine. Here are some tips:
1) Shave your upper lip area. We want real hair there!
2) Wait three to four weeks for your moustache to settle and take root.
3) During these weeks, shampoo everyday with a special extra-nourishing, moustache shampoo. You may also use moustache conditioner.
4) Once your tea-strainer is happy and starting to protrude over your upper lip, begin to trim if your preference is a neat and tidy moustache.
5) From this point your lip-warmer will begin to have a life of its own. Parties, functions,
soirées etc... He'll also require a name. Counsel him as quite often these new furry monsters have ludicrous ideas. Thankfully, my Mr Snazzy was a lot more restrained and sensible.5) Take vitamins and consume plenty of onions and herbal tea to strengthen your moustache and give it a natural shine.
6) Use Uncle Dick's Moustache Wax for styling when venturing out into the world. Use your fingertips to style the ends for a Dali-esque, Zapple-esque finish.
7) Remember, the longer your moustache grows, the more impressive it is and the more people will shower you with adulation. However, if it ever gets to be nearly as impressive as Mr Snazzy my slugs will be commanded to shave it off.
There you have it. Go away now, grow, nurture, groom and enjoy many, many years of moustache heaven.
It could be that I know not what I am talking about, and that is quite likely as there is not much I know - except the art of cabbage throwing, styling moustaches and writing superb children's literature (Duke & Michel) that is adored across all of Camberwell - however, is Minecraft not merely a latter day Sim City? Perhaps you do more actual building and... oh, how I miss playing Sim City. I used to play it. I know that I was but a child growing up in Elizabethan England and then spent my formative years down various chimneys in Victorian London but I also liked to play the odd video game. Could I, Elias Zapple, get to grips with this Minecraft craze? Could I get to destroy others like how they tried to destroy me in Vietnam? I shall, wanted or not, enter the world of Warcraft... Minecraft, and build like I've never built before. I was a master at Sim City, I shall master this too.
Hello there, my minions. Twas a glorious day today when the sun did not shine and Dieter did not venture near for fear of having noggin knocked off yet again. Today, I did conduct another interview, another great interview whereby my interviewing skills were once again demonstrated. Forget Jeremy Paxman, forget David Frost (RIP), forget the American equivalents and forget Terry Wogan, I shall be known the world over as not just being a superb children's author, a master cabbage thrower and a moustache model, I shall also be known as a hard-hitting, insightful and inquisitive interviewer that will probably never win a Nobel Prize. They're all biased, you see. Visit this page to witness my extraordinariness: http://www.eliaszapple.com/elias-zapple-interviews.html
...The Moustache Society. Yes, my dream has come true. After much politicking, bribery, schmoozing, backslapping and assassinating I was finally elected in the second most hotly contested, controversial and rigged election of the millennium - the first being the U.S. Presidential Election of 2000. I was extremely honoured and overwhelmed to be elected and not the least bit surprised as my moustache is head and shoulders above anyone else's. As President I promised to make sure moustaches become compulsory everywhere and must be grown by all people of both genders of all ages - even babies. From now on, the umbilical cord will be secondary, first will be the shaving of the baby's upper lip. That moustaches be examined regularly and if failing to meet new exacting standards, the moustache holder be whisked away to a local barbers and given an immediate styling. There were many other policies in my manifesto, I've forgotten many of them and I doubt I'll enact the majority as that'll just take away precious time from me and my own moustache, Mr Snazzy. My term will last for five years, though no doubt it'll last much longer as I've threatened all of the electorate with cabbages and if anybody should dare try to stage a coup or assassinate me, as I myself have staged many times, my slugs are prepared. Yay for me! Elias Zapple - President for Life of the Moustache Society.
I do enjoy listening to the odd tune when hurling cabbages, setting the mood for my slugs to procreate or pricking my finger so that I may write another glorious sentence in the stunningly funny Duke & Michel saga. What kind of music, I don't hear you ask? Well, depends on what I'm doing. If it's to help my slugs go to battle then something like a Beethoven fused with Rage Against the Machine seems to do the trick but if it's for them to help them make their own kind of music then I find Marvin Gaye to be splendid. When I hurl cabbages, it needs to be something with a bit of fire and I quite enjoy a little Metallica on some days and Nirvana on others. Now, when I write, well nothing beats The Beatles for true inspiration. A most innovative band, as innovative as I am with my prose and the tactics I employ when targeting Dieter. How about when I'm grooming Mr Snazzy? Well, he's a gentle fellow and he prefers more calming, chilled tones so I stick on a bit of Sigur Ros or Massive Attack. That sort of music seems to put him right in the mood to be groomed.
Readers often ask me if I have a special someone in my life. I tell them that I have many special someones - my slugs, my cabbages and Mr Snazzy. They then continue with their persistent questioning until I'm forced to unleash a barrage of cabbages at their heads. However, I can confirm that there is a certain somebody who does indeed share my life, my philosophy, my love of cabbages and my love of hairy upper lips. Shall I say who? First, let me enjoy smoking my pipe, relax in my comfy armchair and consider whether to tell you or not... No, I won't. However, I shall dedicate the song below to my favourite moustache, Mr Snazzy.
Overly concerned citizens often ask me why Dieter and I dislike each other so and why I persist in hurling cabbages at him. Well, much like a hunter may hunt a fox to control the population, I grow an over-abundance of cabbages that need to be gotten rid of. One way I found was to irritate my neighbour by throwing them at him and leave the surplus cabbages on his grounds. During this time I have improved my aim dramatically. But why him? I hear you ask. Well, when Dieter first moved here he had a rather pathetic, minuscule moustache and since witnessing mine has constantly tried to outshine Mr Snazzy. Of course, he never can but he does try and for this, I hate him and will never cease in using his head as target practise and as a way of getting rid of surplus cabbages.
In Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna.