Many admirers of my moustache often ask me how they too can grow and maintain a moustache as fine as my Mr Snazzy. I usually tell them they can't then push them away then threaten the admirer with a cabbage. However, perhaps I, Elias Zapple, have been too harsh and maybe others should attempt to grow a moustache 10% as good as mine. Here are some tips:
1) Shave your upper lip area. We want real hair there!
2) Wait three to four weeks for your moustache to settle and take root.
3) During these weeks, shampoo everyday with a special extra-nourishing, moustache shampoo. You may also use moustache conditioner.
4) Once your tea-strainer is happy and starting to protrude over your upper lip, begin to trim if your preference is a neat and tidy moustache.
5) From this point your lip-warmer will begin to have a life of its own. Parties, functions,
soirées etc... He'll also require a name. Counsel him as quite often these new furry monsters have ludicrous ideas. Thankfully, my Mr Snazzy was a lot more restrained and sensible.5) Take vitamins and consume plenty of onions and herbal tea to strengthen your moustache and give it a natural shine.
6) Use Uncle Dick's Moustache Wax for styling when venturing out into the world. Use your fingertips to style the ends for a Dali-esque, Zapple-esque finish.
7) Remember, the longer your moustache grows, the more impressive it is and the more people will shower you with adulation. However, if it ever gets to be nearly as impressive as Mr Snazzy my slugs will be commanded to shave it off.
There you have it. Go away now, grow, nurture, groom and enjoy many, many years of moustache heaven.
Duke was once a Basset Hound puppy. He and his brothers were once little and didn't weight many tonnes. It's hard to believe, I know. This very video just below could very well have been Duke and his brothers Titan, Earl, Prince, Baron and his late German brother, Albert before he withered away.
The Basset Hound is an amazing dog that would have no trouble in finding that small bit of cheese you dropped by the fridge when having a midnight snack. Their short legs mean their noses are close to the ground and can sniff out anything. They would make better police dogs than most, if they could be bothered. However, they prefer to relax, frolic in the grass, eat Country Dog - Premium Nibbles and annoy children on skateboards.
Youtube video of a couple of energetic Basset Hounds:
In Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna.