Avid readers, devoted followers, loyal subjects I wish to announce that I am back at home in my world of cabbages, slugs, and writing and soon, very soon, a new book will be released. There should be two but things have been moving slowly ever since Steve the Slug died. The new book is a book of rhymes that will delight, horrify, make you puke, split your sides and question my sanity. I'm already questioning my sanity as a matter of fact. Unfortunately, my sanity hasn't been answering my calls. The book of rhymes is entitled, 'Elias Zapple's Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch'. I shall keep you all updated as soon as I have a publication date. Keep throwing the cabbage!
Many admirers of my moustache often ask me how they too can grow and maintain a moustache as fine as my Mr Snazzy. I usually tell them they can't then push them away then threaten the admirer with a cabbage. However, perhaps I, Elias Zapple, have been too harsh and maybe others should attempt to grow a moustache 10% as good as mine. Here are some tips:
1) Shave your upper lip area. We want real hair there!
2) Wait three to four weeks for your moustache to settle and take root.
3) During these weeks, shampoo everyday with a special extra-nourishing, moustache shampoo. You may also use moustache conditioner.
4) Once your tea-strainer is happy and starting to protrude over your upper lip, begin to trim if your preference is a neat and tidy moustache.
5) From this point your lip-warmer will begin to have a life of its own. Parties, functions,
soirées etc... He'll also require a name. Counsel him as quite often these new furry monsters have ludicrous ideas. Thankfully, my Mr Snazzy was a lot more restrained and sensible.5) Take vitamins and consume plenty of onions and herbal tea to strengthen your moustache and give it a natural shine.
6) Use Uncle Dick's Moustache Wax for styling when venturing out into the world. Use your fingertips to style the ends for a Dali-esque, Zapple-esque finish.
7) Remember, the longer your moustache grows, the more impressive it is and the more people will shower you with adulation. However, if it ever gets to be nearly as impressive as Mr Snazzy my slugs will be commanded to shave it off.
There you have it. Go away now, grow, nurture, groom and enjoy many, many years of moustache heaven.
Well, Slugland was a bit of a waste of time. Not much was achieved there. Yes, I learnt some new cabbage recipes, learnt new techniques in how to breed, modify and train slugs, and acquired some new killer slugs that are deadly by the touch but I felt that I could've achieved much more if I had just stayed home, pricked my finger, thrown cabbages at Dieter and gotten my current crop of slugs to infiltrate Dieter's home and steal all of his tins of soup. Oh well.
...The Moustache Society. Yes, my dream has come true. After much politicking, bribery, schmoozing, backslapping and assassinating I was finally elected in the second most hotly contested, controversial and rigged election of the millennium - the first being the U.S. Presidential Election of 2000. I was extremely honoured and overwhelmed to be elected and not the least bit surprised as my moustache is head and shoulders above anyone else's. As President I promised to make sure moustaches become compulsory everywhere and must be grown by all people of both genders of all ages - even babies. From now on, the umbilical cord will be secondary, first will be the shaving of the baby's upper lip. That moustaches be examined regularly and if failing to meet new exacting standards, the moustache holder be whisked away to a local barbers and given an immediate styling. There were many other policies in my manifesto, I've forgotten many of them and I doubt I'll enact the majority as that'll just take away precious time from me and my own moustache, Mr Snazzy. My term will last for five years, though no doubt it'll last much longer as I've threatened all of the electorate with cabbages and if anybody should dare try to stage a coup or assassinate me, as I myself have staged many times, my slugs are prepared. Yay for me! Elias Zapple - President for Life of the Moustache Society.
In Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna.