Have you tried cabbage soup?
Guaranteed it'll make you poop.
Spending all day on the bog,
Passing one too many a log.
Lose your muscle, lose your fat
Cabbage soup will do just that.
watery, green it's nutritious
One thing it's not is delicious.
But it's cheap to make, easy to grow,
It'll help with your digestive flow.
If you need help, please see me
I'm the one that's rather cabbagey.
For many a cabbage I do have,
Then every hour be on your lav.
Very soon you'll love your loo,
As you drop yet another poo.
Cabbage soup is that great,
I should know as I'm never late.
So try my cabbage recipe,
It'll turn your pee green, hee-hee-hee.
Here it is, my loyal slugs, fresh from the slug-ustrator - the brand spanking new cover for Elias Zapple's Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch:
FREE TODAY & TOMORROW ON AMAZON. ELIAS ZAPPLE'S RHYMES FROM THE CABBAGE PATCH.
Featuring Killer Mice, Cinderella, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Little Red Riding Hood, Clyde the Slug, Duke, Miss Tickles, Jack & Jill and Many, Many More. Get it Now or I'll Throw a Cabbage at You.
Sluggers, Zappleheads, Zapplers, Cabbagers, Dukers and other fans of me, my slugs, my books, my cabbages you may soon rejoice as this week, or next, will see the launch of two new books and the re-launch of the current two? New covers, new illustrations, new books, new prices, new slugs, new laughs, new tears and new tea bags. Get ready for a hilarious week of adventure and more Zappleness. The sequel to Duke & Michel: The Mysterious Corridor, Duke & Michel: The King Tingaling Painting, Elias Zapple's Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch and... that's about it. Get those pennies out now!
Inside this book you will find,
Funny nonsense from my mind.
Zany rhymes and slimy tales,
Creepy crawlies leaving bloody trails.
And a clever slug that shocks,
Tales about Cinders and Goldilocks.
Cabbages, slugs and Elias Zapple,
What rhymes with Zapple apart from apple?
Fun and craziness! (You'll have a good time),
There's even some that do not rhyme!
Read the book, there's so much more,
Or my slugs and I will go to war!
Avid readers, devoted followers, loyal subjects I wish to announce that I am back at home in my world of cabbages, slugs, and writing and soon, very soon, a new book will be released. There should be two but things have been moving slowly ever since Steve the Slug died. The new book is a book of rhymes that will delight, horrify, make you puke, split your sides and question my sanity. I'm already questioning my sanity as a matter of fact. Unfortunately, my sanity hasn't been answering my calls. The book of rhymes is entitled, 'Elias Zapple's Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch'. I shall keep you all updated as soon as I have a publication date. Keep throwing the cabbage!
Well, Slugland was a bit of a waste of time. Not much was achieved there. Yes, I learnt some new cabbage recipes, learnt new techniques in how to breed, modify and train slugs, and acquired some new killer slugs that are deadly by the touch but I felt that I could've achieved much more if I had just stayed home, pricked my finger, thrown cabbages at Dieter and gotten my current crop of slugs to infiltrate Dieter's home and steal all of his tins of soup. Oh well.
Do people still do flash mobs? Are they still relevant? I hope not. What a pointless thing they were. They weren't even flash, if the meaning was to do something spontaneously, as they were well-organised affairs thought up by attention seekers. A flash mob occurred in my cabbage patch the other day. I was mightily upset about this and despite my warnings that I would soon launch cabbages at them, they ignored me and continued to gyrate to some popular tune. Why did people do them? They're awkward and distract you from getting the 5 o'clock train to East Grinstead. No more mobbing, please.
In Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna.