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Sometimes, after I've woken from one of my famed deep sleeps, I do wonder why I've woken up. It's so warm, cosy, secure and relaxing I feel the need to remain there forever and forgo life. When I think of the day ahead and the many things I must attend to, (i.e. throwing cabbages at my neighbour, making sure my slugs breed, writing the odd word of children's fiction, creating the peace deal between North and South Korea), it does make me question as to whether it's all worth it. I love sleeping and there's no place I'd rather be. However, to support this habit I know I must do certain things so I kick myself into gear, put one slug with the other, make myself a cuppa and run outside, grab up a cabbage and hurl. I must say, I do find it all rather invigorating after all.
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I'm not very good at football/soccer/whatever one calls it. However, I enjoy giving a good kick to some of my cabbages now and again. Now, I'm no David Beckpork or Greasiano Ronaldo but, I must say, I do have a pretty good aim especially when my neighbour Dieter comes into view. Once I kicked a cabbage so hard that it him square on the noggin. He shook his fists at me and threatened revenge, however he has yet to do anything. So I can kick back, keep sipping my strangely-coloured water and admire the little pixies that are dancing happily in my back garden. Overly concerned citizens often ask me why Dieter and I dislike each other so and why I persist in hurling cabbages at him. Well, much like a hunter may hunt a fox to control the population, I grow an over-abundance of cabbages that need to be gotten rid of. One way I found was to irritate my neighbour by throwing them at him and leave the surplus cabbages on his grounds. During this time I have improved my aim dramatically. But why him? I hear you ask. Well, when Dieter first moved here he had a rather pathetic, minuscule moustache and since witnessing mine has constantly tried to outshine Mr Snazzy. Of course, he never can but he does try and for this, I hate him and will never cease in using his head as target practise and as a way of getting rid of surplus cabbages. Michel loves skateboarding on his 'Speed Demon' skateboard. I don't know why. Hanging with his mates, doing ollies, kickturns - he seems to get a buzz out of it. I prefer throwing cabbages at unsuspecting German neighbours myself. Anyway, he tells me it's a lot of fun and has decided to teach me some skateboarding terms. Here's Michel: Aciddrop - When you skate off the end of something and you like don't ollie or touch the board with your hands. Boned - You perform this in mid-air, dude. Push the board out in front and downwards. Disaster - When you have the rear wheels on top of something and the middle of the board resting on the edge and the front wheels on nothing. Fakie - Going backwards, dude! Kickflip - Flipping the board like you're kicking something or someone! That's enough, Michel. I'll stick to my moustache grooming. Anyway, here's a 'dude' doing a kickflip-thingy. Cabbages are wonderful. For some, they are indeed man's best friend. For others, they're a useful weapon when battling German neighbours called Dieter. However, cabbages have other uses too besides being used as a lethal weapon. They can be used in soup, as a side to a roast lamb and many, many other wonderful ways. However, they need to be grown properly as this charming man in a hat will explain. Moustaches are much like bonsai trees. They need constant love and attention or they will wither away and die, or become a very unhappy moustache. I spend hours everyday grooming my beast and maintaining its shine, gloss and soft-to-the-touch smoothy smoothness that makes other bearded folk gush with envy. It's a difficult job and people often ask why I spend on average a month every year grooming it. To them I say nothing and just hit them with one of my cabbages. Anyway, here's a video of a fine young chap and his glorious moustache. Not quite as glorious as mine but maybe, just maybe, one day his will improve and be only slight worse than my glorious beast. Duke was once a Basset Hound puppy. He and his brothers were once little and didn't weight many tonnes. It's hard to believe, I know. This very video just below could very well have been Duke and his brothers Titan, Earl, Prince, Baron and his late German brother, Albert before he withered away. The Basset Hound is an amazing dog that would have no trouble in finding that small bit of cheese you dropped by the fridge when having a midnight snack. Their short legs mean their noses are close to the ground and can sniff out anything. They would make better police dogs than most, if they could be bothered. However, they prefer to relax, frolic in the grass, eat Country Dog - Premium Nibbles and annoy children on skateboards. Youtube video of a couple of energetic Basset Hounds: |
Elias ZappleIn Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna. Archives
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