Whenever cooking slug, (I only ever cook disloyal slugs), make sure it's fresh and cooked immediately after guillotine. I however, seemed to have forgotten this and when munching on my grilled slug my face slowly turned as green as a cabbage then as purple as somebody else's cabbage before swelling up. I quickly dashed to the lavatory and emptied my bowels. The slug I had chosen to cook had been resting beheaded for a good few hours under the sun... Sun-dried slug is not as good as sun-dried tomatoes.
Four days later, after lots of sweating and more trips to the loo, my slugs finally got me back on my feet and back to peak condition. Mr Snazzy didn't suffer too much either, thankfully. Though he was most cross with me for eating that spoiled slug. Let this be a lesson to all of you!
Many admirers of my moustache often ask me how they too can grow and maintain a moustache as fine as my Mr Snazzy. I usually tell them they can't then push them away then threaten the admirer with a cabbage. However, perhaps I, Elias Zapple, have been too harsh and maybe others should attempt to grow a moustache 10% as good as mine. Here are some tips:
1) Shave your upper lip area. We want real hair there!
2) Wait three to four weeks for your moustache to settle and take root.
3) During these weeks, shampoo everyday with a special extra-nourishing, moustache shampoo. You may also use moustache conditioner.
4) Once your tea-strainer is happy and starting to protrude over your upper lip, begin to trim if your preference is a neat and tidy moustache.
5) From this point your lip-warmer will begin to have a life of its own. Parties, functions,
soirées etc... He'll also require a name. Counsel him as quite often these new furry monsters have ludicrous ideas. Thankfully, my Mr Snazzy was a lot more restrained and sensible.5) Take vitamins and consume plenty of onions and herbal tea to strengthen your moustache and give it a natural shine.
6) Use Uncle Dick's Moustache Wax for styling when venturing out into the world. Use your fingertips to style the ends for a Dali-esque, Zapple-esque finish.
7) Remember, the longer your moustache grows, the more impressive it is and the more people will shower you with adulation. However, if it ever gets to be nearly as impressive as Mr Snazzy my slugs will be commanded to shave it off.
There you have it. Go away now, grow, nurture, groom and enjoy many, many years of moustache heaven.
In Maputo I am known for my love of tinned tuna.